Constructive Conflict: Trouble With Triangulation

Pastor Phillips’ Sermon

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Grace, mercy and peace to you from God our Father and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Please pray with me. Heavenly Father, it is not uncommon at all for us, in our lives, to encounter conflict so we pray a special blessing on us today as we think about these words and these thoughts that you will give us courage, give us your Holy Spirit so we can learn to manage conflict in a healthy and in a godly way. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

As I spoke earlier, our sermon series continues as we talk about constructive conflict. It’s kind of a difficult topic to talk about but it’s necessary. It’s crucial that we learn to manage conflict in a way that is healthy and right in God’s sight, in a way that brings healing and restoration and not just a way that wins a battle but a way that wins the person we’re talking to, whether it be our spouse or our child or our coworker, whoever it might be, that we win them, not the fight but the person.

This week, we’re talking about the struggle with triangulation. It’s a real temptation for us to want to include other people in our story when we’re having a conflict, especially if our feelings are hurt and we’re worked up. We want to go and recruit some support for our side and make sure we’re not off base too much, so we start sharing it with other people. And the problem with that is it doesn’t deal with the problem. It doesn’t deal with the person you’re in conflict with. In fact, it makes everything more complex, everything more difficult because now there’s another person involved and there’s a lot of downside there.

It’s called triangulation and it’s a psychobabble term that came from the Systems Theorists, the guys who study family systems theory. And they came up with it because it described a lot of the things they saw going on as dysfunction in a family. Now we’re all prone to this kind of thing. We’re all tempted to do this kind of thing from time to time. And the way it plays out in my family is if my wife and I are having a hard time, we’re talking about something, we’re not agreeing and we get a little emotional, she might go to the grocery store and then I’m going to talk to the kids about Mom. “Your mom, I can’t. . . Oh, my gosh. . . I can hardly say. . .” My wife is a wonderful lady and you know what I’m talking about. We tend to include other people in a conversation that they really have no business being involved in. And when you think about it, when I’m talking to my children about my wife that way, what am I showing them? What am I telling them about their mother? And what am I demonstrating as their father? Not good things. Not healthy things.

These triangles are not new. It’s not like we invented them with this generation. In fact, we find them even in the bible. Luke 12:13-14 says, “Someone in the crowd said to Jesus, ‘Teacher, tell my brother to divide the inheritance with me.’ Jesus replied, ‘Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?’” See, the guy’s trying to bait Jesus into joining the triangle, becoming a triangle.

Luke 10:38-40, that’s the story of Mary and Martha, we know that story. It’s kind of the classic biblical story about two sisters and how they’re acting and reacting to Jesus. Now Jesus has come to their house and, with Him, all kinds of guests. People want to hear Jesus speak so they’re all gathered in there. Martha is running to and fro. She’s getting everything cleaned up and preparing food for everybody and just really working herself to the bone and what’s Mary doing? She’s sitting at Jesus’ feet, just the exact opposite. One’s working like crazy, the other one’s not doing anything because she’s so fascinated and focused on Jesus, just soaking in every word He has to say. So Martha comes to Jesus and said, “Tell my sister to help.” Doesn’t that sound like something that could happen at your house? Siblings, parents, children. Even at work, coworkers talking, venting, as they might say, but aren’t they really trying to recruit you to be part of the triangle? Aren’t they trying to draw you in to help their side?

This is not good. It’s not good in God’s sight. The gospel reading we just read says, “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault just between the two of you.” Two, just between the two of you. Remember, the goal is to win our brother, to win our sister, to win our spouse, to win our boyfriend, to win them, not the fight. And as we’re bringing in these other people, that’s going to make it more difficult to win, more complicated, more complex, more sins to confess, more apologies to make, more roads to smooth.

We know what triangles are, don’t we? We’ve seen them. We have the concept but what do we do? Now that we understand what a triangle is and it’s a bad way to manage conflict, what do we do with that knowledge? We look around. We see them everywhere we go. Conflicts. People forming triangles. The first thing we need to do is stay out of it. And that’s kind of hard to do because when somebody comes to you with all kinds of juicy information, we want to hear it. And we’re kind of flattered they talked to us about it. That’s not good. They’re not dealing with the person they’re in conflict with and making it bigger. They’re escalating things. So we need to stay out of it. And when you sense somebody’s trying to draw you into their triangle, you need to encourage them to speak directly to the person they’re in conflict with. You need to kind of reflect it back to them and say, this is what I say on a regular basis, “I think if you would just speak from your heart to that person, that would go a long way to working things out. Just share what’s on your heart with them.”

You might also ask yourself, “Why is this person talking to me? I don’t have anything to do with this. Why are they talking to me about this guy over here?” Maybe they’re afraid. Maybe they’re not comfortable. I’ve heard that explanation before. But God calls us to go beyond our fears and go beyond our comfort level. He calls us to speak directly to the person we’re in conflict with.

A good test of what’s going on is this: “If I listen to this person as they talk to me about this other person, am I helping them to speak directly to the person they’re upset with? Or am I enabling them to act in a sinful way?” So there are two things we need to guard against. First, getting drawn into a triangle. You have to be careful not to let that happen. The other thing is when we’re hurt and when we’re upset, not trying to create triangles of our own and talk about somebody in a bad way.

Triangulation is bad in managing conflict because it prevents us from solving our conflict in a God-pleasing way. We do things that are clearly against scripture and against God. Triangles give a poor testimony of our Christian faith to those who are watching and you know that your Christian faith is obvious to people around you. People know you go to church, what church you’re a member of, things like that. They know little things about you that identify you as a Christian. And if you’re doing this triangulation stuff, drawing them into a conflict that you have with somebody else, that’s a bad testimony. That’s a bad witness about your faith.

Triangles violate God’s call for us to love our neighbor as ourselves. You know how the commandments are. The first three commandments deal with us and God and our relationship with Him and are summed up with “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength.” And the second table of the law, Commandments 4 through 10, speak about us and our neighbor and they’re summed up by this, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” And when we’re creating triangles or being drawn into a triangle, we are not loving our neighbor. We’re not loving our neighbor. We’re trashing them. We’re badmouthing them. We’re bringing them down. We’re damaging their reputation. And what we don’t realize when we’re doing all that is we’re hurting ourselves, too.

And finally, triangles are a bad way to manage conflict because they show that we do not forgive like God forgives us. They show that we don’t really get it, that grace of God. When we really understand how much God has done for us and that we all stand on the same level ground before God as sinners, we’re all equally guilty, we’re just as sinful as the person we’re angry with, the person we’re talking about, we’re just as sinful as them, and when we get that in our minds, it humbles us. And then when we realize how much the God of the Universe loves us and that He sent His Son to die on the cross for our sins, that humbles us, too. And it fills us with gratitude, that God forgives us for what we’ve done. He forgives us. He doesn’t keep thinking bad thoughts about us or doing bad things to our reputation. He forgives us. When we do the triangulation thing, that’s not forgiving. That’s holding on to anger and hatred and things like that.

In Luke 6, Jesus talks about conflict and He talks about ways that we can think about it and ways that we can manage it more effectively. It’s called Love for Enemies. This is the subtitle. Verse 27 of Chapter 6 in Luke. Just let these words sink in and touch your heart and mind. “But I tell you who hear me, love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you. If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners love those who love them and if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even sinners do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies. Do good to them and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great and you will be sons of the most high because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.” That’s a real test, isn’t it? Pray for those who mistreat you.

This continues when Jesus talks about judging. “Do not judge and you will not be judged.” Isn’t that what we’re doing when we’re talking about that other person? We’re judging them, running them down. “Do not condemn and you will not be condemned. Forgive and you will be forgiven. Give and it will be given to you, a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over will be poured into your lap for with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take this speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye. You hypocrite. First, take the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” You can see where Jesus is coming down, can’t you?

All these things we do in these triangles are sin. That’s the only word for it. When we talk bad about other people, when we try to draw somebody else into our argument with someone or we let them draw us in and we listen and encourage them to speak in bad ways about other people, that’s sin. And nothing good comes from our sin.

But there are some triangles that are okay. It’s a little different kind of concept. It’s not this triangulation that we’ve been talking about. Like two parents talking about a child, a strategy how we’re going to parent this child, how we’re going to deal with this situation. That’s a triangle but it’s okay. A man and wife visiting a counselor, that’s three people but it’s okay because the two of them are coming together to try to figure out what’s wrong with their relationship and get it back on track and work things out so they can continue in the blessing that God has created called marriage. A teacher calling a parent about a student. That’s three people. It’s a triangle but it’s not a bad one. Parents need to know what’s happening in the classroom. Parents need to be included in the conversation about how to best meet the needs of their child. Or consulting with a colleague about a problem you’re dealing with. In a professional manner, that’s not wrong.

I think we’re pretty clear on what the boundary line is. When we’re inviting people into a negative thing, when we are at war with somebody and we’re trying to bring somebody else into that war, that’s triangulation. That’s what we need to avoid.

It reminds me of a television show. I think it’s from the 80’s. It’s still on reruns. It’s Tool Time with Tim Allen. I kind of like that show because the setting is in Michigan where I’m from and he’s always wearing Michigan kind of clothes and stuff like that. But something really interesting happens in that show from time to time. Tim’s in conflict with his wife, Jill, and when he just doesn’t know what to do, you typically see him in the back  yard and he goes to talk to his neighbor, Wilson. You know Wilson, right? You never see his face, just the top half. He goes to talk to him and I don’t think that’s a bad triangle either because what he does is he lays the problem out to Wilson and Wilson typically just reflects it back to him. “So you’re having problems with Jill? She didn’t like what you bought her for her birthday.” Or whatever it might be. And they’re going back and forth. And what Wilson is doing is helping Tim just to hear his own thoughts and very often in that conversation, Tim figures it out and he goes back and works things out with his wife or his children or his boss or his coworker or whatever.

What I want to do is encourage you when you feel like you want to bring somebody else into the conflict, when you want to make a triangle, resist that temptation to bring somebody on your side. Or when somebody wants to pull you in and make a triangle, I want you to resist that temptation and instead, make a triangle with God and take it to Him. Your feelings, your thoughts, what seems unfair in the situation, whatever you’re wrestling with and even the person who you’re angry with, take it to Him.

It’s okay for us to think about these thoughts and these words and think of situations in our lives where we’ve been part of triangles and it’s okay if you want to try to keep each other accountable because you’ve all heard this message and you can use that as your way of saying, “Nope, Mom, I’m not going there.” “Nope, I’m not going there, Son. I’m not going to be in a triangle with you. That’s not how it’s going to go. You need to talk directly to that person you’re upset with.” But don’t do this for long. Do this: “I’ll be happy to pray with you about that situation. I’d be happy to pray with you about your boss or about your spouse.”

Move from the triangle to the folded hands and make a triangle with God. Forgive and you will be forgiven. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Copyright 2009 Gloria Dei Lutheran Church