Gloria Dei Lutheran Church | Urbandale, Iowa

Constructive Conflict: Sins of Our Father

Pastor Burcham’s Sermon

Sunday, January 24, 2010

I wonder if you remember the first time that you said or did something and you realized the very words could have come out of the mouths of one of your parents. Do you remember the horror of the moment? As you were saying something to your kids and, at that second, you say, “That’s what my mom used to say!” The very things that you swore as a kid you would never do and you’d never say, you end up doing.

For instance, when I was a kid, it used to drive me nuts that before I’d go outside, my mom would look at me and she’d say, “You’re not going out with just that on, are you?” And I remember thinking to myself, not saying because I was smarter than that, thinking to myself “That’s not really a question, is it?” Just last week, we’re heading out to the truck and I looked at my two younger daughters and I said, “You’re not really wearing those shoes, are you?” Oh, it’s the very thing.

Like it or not, we become like our parents. For the most part, the way we were raised, the family that we were raised in, we carry that on into our family as we raise them. And for the most part, that’s a good thing. That’s a great thing. There are lots of positive things that we pass on to the next generation but not all of it.

We live this side of heaven, which means we live in a fallen world and it means we’re sinful individuals and it means Mom and Dad were sinful individuals and it means that not everything they did and not every pattern of behavior that they modeled for us was the best or worth repeating. And some of those bad patterns, some of those bad behaviors can end up with a lot of conflict and a lot of unresolved issues in families because we just shouldn’t keep repeating it.

It’s interesting to me that scripture, particularly the Old Testament, is filled with all kinds of examples of bad behavior and poor patterns that get sort of passed down from generation to generation. We sort of got a snippet of that in the Old Testament reading a few moments ago and we’ll dig into it a little bit deeper a little later. But scripture has filled with us this idea of passing on this bad behavior. But scripture is also filled with the solution of how we can break that mold and how we can set a new pattern for the generations that follow us.

The first thing we need to do, though, is we need to recognize the power of the past. It’s that whole nature-nurture thing. And I have to tell you, that nurture has a lot to do with who we are, the family in which we were raised, the parents who raised us. Our whole environment has a bigger impact on us than maybe we want to admit. But we can even go to the pages of scripture to see about how that can influence us.

Let’s go to Exodus 20. Moses is telling the people of the commandments that God had given to him and he says this, “You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on earth below and the waters below. You shall not bow down to them or worship them.” Now here’s the part I want you to get, “For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me.” Check that out again. “Punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me.”

Let me get this right. Is God saying that I’m going to be punished because my great-grandfather did something wrong? No, that’s not what He’s saying. He’s saying sinful behaviors and sinful patterns often times get passed down from generation to generation. The context in which God says this is the commandment that we are to have only one God so there is to be no idol worship. So it would particularly hit the people of this time because even though they were believers in the one true God, they were surrounded by cultures who had these idols, these graven images, they would take along with them.

Case in point: A couple of minutes ago, we heard about Jacob. A little bit further on, in Genesis, Jacob goes and he gets a wife named Rachel from Laban. When Rachel and Jacob leave Laban’s house, scripture tells us that Rachel takes with her the family gods. Now Laban, Jacob, Rachel, they’re all believers in the one true God but yet her family, her dad, probably her granddad and maybe her great-granddad still maintained these family idols and so that tradition, that behavior is passed down from generation to generation.

Modern day equivalent may be this: Maybe you know somebody like this. They’re completely disconnected to the church, and they don’t really know why. But maybe, if you trace it back, Grandpa got mad at the church sometime, didn’t like what they did and said, “That’s it. I’m done with it.” And now we have three generations completely disconnected. You see, it’s the sins of the fathers that get passed down from generation to generation.

Scripture has even more of this kind of bad behavior that seems to flow in a line. We have Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Jacob, you look at scripture, he’s known as the conniver. He’s kind of the con artist of the Old Testament. He always has an angle that he’s working on things. Well, where did he get that from? Maybe we should check out Grandpa. Scripture tells us that Abraham, on two separate occasions, passed his wife off as his sister because he thought that was advantageous for him as he was coming into a new country. Hmm, sins of the fathers, falling down now to the grandson.

Alright, how about Jacob’s mom? We have Rebekah and she has twin boys but she likes Jacob better than she does Esau. So she’s sitting at the tent, she hears what’s going on and says, “Ah, that’s not what I want. I want for my boy, Jacob, for him to get the lion’s share of the inheritance.” So she connives with Jacob, shows favoritism to him and he ends up getting the birthright. How does that play itself out? How many sons did Jacob have? Thirteen. Do you remember? Do you remember which one was special in his eyes? Joseph. And look at all the trouble that got him, the animosity, the conflict between his brothers. It goes on for years and years because this sinful behavior, this bad pattern gets passed on from generation to generation.

My point is we have to recognize the incredible power of the past in your life. Now I’m not saying that you had bad parents and evil parents. I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying we live this side of heaven and we’re all sinful human beings. And my bet is there are some behaviors that your parents modeled for you that they didn’t want you to continue. There are some behaviors that I model for my children that I don’t want them to continue. That’s life this side of heaven. Neither am I saying that it’s an excuse for us, that we can say, “Well, I’m a jerk but that’s because of the way I was raised.” No, no, no, no. It’s not an excuse. In fact, I’m saying just the opposite of that. Recognize the power of the past so you can reorganize for the future. Recognize how powerful that nurture is in your environment so you can reorganize for the future, so you can break the mold and you can set a new standard.

We organize for the future and we leave some things behind. There are some patterns, some behaviors that should not be repeated. This time, we go to the book of Ephesians. Paul is writing to the church, “You were taught with regard to your former way of life to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its sinful desires.” To put off the old self, there are certain behaviors, certain patterns that you want to put off, you want to leave them behind.

That’s harder to do than it sounds. First of all, we have the whole impact of “that’s how we were raised” and so it’s ingrained in us but, even more than that, we have this family loyalty. “Well, this is how our family does it.” And so I’ve heard people say to me before, “It was good enough for Dad, it’s good enough for me.” “It worked for Dad, it works for me.” Did it really work for Dad? Did it really work for Dad when he flew off the handle at even the slightest thing? When anger permeated every decision he made? And how’s that working for you and for your relationships? It’s not an indictment against your family. It’s just a recognition, there are certain things you need to leave behind.

Case in point: To say that my mother was a pessimist would be an understatement. Now I love my mom but to say that my mom was a pessimist would be an understatement. For her, the glass was not only half empty, it had a hole in it. If anything went right in her life, there had to be a catch. She was convinced that everything was rigged, from sporting events to The Price is Right because if the person or the team didn’t win that she wanted, she was positive somebody was out there rigging it against her. It wasn’t easy to live with always. I love my mom but she was a pessimist.

I have to tell you, to this day, if I feel a lot of pressure in my life, if there’s a lot of stress, if a lot of things start going wrong in my life, I can easily go down that path, very easily go down that path. But that’s something to leave behind. That’s not something to pass on to the next generation. That’s something that we have to put off the old and we have to let it go.

Can you take a hard look at your life and say, “I love my mom and dad. I love my family but what are some of the things that don’t bear repeating? That’s not a good pattern.” How did your family deal with conflict? Or did they not? Never a harsh word spoken between any family members. Mom and Dad got together just beautifully all of their lives. That just means they suppressed everything. How hard is it for you to deal with conflict then? Would you not get into a disagreement with somebody to save your life? Or was conflict handled in your life with anger and harsh words, so you just beat the other person down? There was no resolution but that’s how it was handled.

What was your home environment? Was it filled with love and affection or was it absent? You probably heard about the guy whose wife looked at him and said, “You know, Honey, how come you never tell me you love me?” Do you remember what his answer was? “I told you once. If I change my mind, I’ll let you know.” Is that the environment? Is that what you want to leave behind? Because not all of these behaviors are worth repeating. Take a look and say, “What do I just need to put off that old self?”

But there are probably lots of good things you want to maintain. So you don’t want to forget that side of the equation either. There are probably lots of great behavior that was modeled for you that now you want to pass on to the next generation. So, in fairness to my mom, there was not a day that went by, no matter how much trouble I was in, no matter how angry she was with me, no matter how disappointed she was with me, that she didn’t tell me she loved me. My head never hit the pillow without her telling me those words, if not once, three or four times. That’s a keeper. That’s a keeper. I never let my kids go to bed without me telling them that I love them. What do you have? What pattern was set for you that’s a keeper and you want to pass that on to the next generation and the generation after that?

I need to take a small tangent here because I suspect there’s probably at least one of you out there who’s saying, “There’s not a doggone thing that I want to take from my parents into the future.” You had a horrific childhood. I’m sorry about that. I pray that God can give you peace with that. But is there someone else? Can you adopt someone else, some other family, maybe a friend’s family, maybe a cousin, maybe Grandma and Grandpa that you can see them and model that and say, “Yeah, those are keepers. I’m going to leave all the rest behind, but I can identify this is the new pattern that I want to set for the future.”

It’s worth taking the time to take a close look and say, “What do we need to put off and then what do we need to carry forward?” It’s not easy. In fact, I’m going to be honest with you. It’s absolutely impossible for you to do. If you think that by sheer willpower or just making up your mind that you’re going to be able to set a new pattern in your life, you can’t. You can’t. Because what we’re calling for here is for you to become a new person. And the way you can become a new person is when you become a new person in Christ.

A new person in Christ allows you to leave the past behind and to carry some things into the future. Paul continues when he says you have to put off the past. He says, “Why? To be made new in the attitude of your minds and to put on a new self created to be like God and to righteousness and holiness.” The new self Paul is talking about is the new creation that God makes you in Christ Jesus. You have to become a new person in Christ if you’re going to set a new pattern for the future. It means there’s a recognition in your life that you can’t do it. And you come to Christ and you say, “I am powerless to change my life. I am powerless to set a new pattern for the future.” It’s when you come to Jesus and you confess to Him the sinfulness of some of the patterns and the behaviors that you’re passing down. It’s when you come to Jesus and you see that He bled and He died for you to forgive all those sins and to forgive the sins and the poor patterns of your parents and grandparents and great-great-grandparents for all of mankind, to be made new in Christ, to be released from the past so you can set a new standard for the future.

Paul says to have a new mindset, to change your attitude. You change your attitude for the future. When you’re thinking, your attitude becomes like that of Christ. And maybe the first change you have to have is maybe you need to forgive others as Christ has forgiven you. If you’ve had a horrific childhood, if you’ve had some things that have been passed down to you, maybe the first step is you have to forgive your parents. Not condone it, not excuse it but forgive it as Christ has forgiven you and let go of the anger and the resentment. Maybe it means every day when you get up, you pray for God’s power and peace in your life to enable you to set a new pattern, to give you the empowerment to set new behaviors that will be passed down through the generations.

It all begins when we have a new life in Christ because we do become our parents and probably, for most of us, that’s a good thing but not all of it. Not all of it. Living in a sinful world, there are some patterns and behaviors we want to leave behind. My friends, in Christ, you can recognize the power of the past and you can reorganize for the future. You can leave some things behind but set a new pattern for the generations to come. Amen.