Family Values: Family Meal

Pastor Burcham’s Sermon

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Some believe that as long as you’re sitting at the table with the rest of your family, you’re enjoying a meal with them. That’s why parents, after reading article after article about how important it is that the family eat together, dutiful gather them on regular occasions around the kitchen table. They summon the children from their room and they file in and take their appointed seats and everyone believes that they’re having a family meal. One of them might be reading the newspaper or checking his Blackberry. Someone else is making a grocery list. One of them is texting a friend. Another is watching TV, listening to the I-pod or playing with the doll that somehow made it down from their room. But they’re all gathered around the table so they must be having a family meal.

What do you think? Yeah, I’m not buying it either. It certainly is important to have a family meal. I mean, research has confirmed that for decades now the family that eats together stays together, there is a bond that is formed just gathering around the table and sharing a meal together. In fact, recently, there was an article in Time magazine and it said this, “There is something about a shared meal. Not a holiday blowout, not a once-in-a-while thing, but regularly, reliably that anchors a family. Even on nights when the food is fast and the talk is cheap, even when someone has someplace else they’d rather be. But then, on those evenings when the mood is right and the family lingers, caught up in an idea or maybe even an argument, but explored in the shared safe place where no one is stupid or shy or ashamed, you get a glimpse of the power of this habit and why social scientists say such a commune acts as a kind of back scene protecting kids from all manner of harm.”

There’s little doubt that when a family gathers together around the table and shares a meal that it’s a good thing. But just occupying space around the table with each one doing their own thing is not a family meal. The ideal family meal is where every member is completely engaged and totally present at that moment. That’s the family meal we’re talking about. It’s the family meal that starts really before the meal, an appetizer if you will. It is the appetizer of acceptance. When you think about sitting down for a meal with someone, do you want to just sit down to the table with anybody. I don’t know about you but it makes me a little bit uncomfortable when I have to sit down at a table with complete and total strangers. You see, a meal is a whole lot more than just consuming food. Consuming food, I can do that at my desk or I can do that driving down the road. I shouldn’t do it driving down the road but I can do it driving down the road. That’s just consuming food. But a meal is much more than that. A meal is about relationships. When you sit down and share a table with someone, you’re saying that you accept them. You’re saying that they belong there.

Let me come at it this way. Over the holidays, as you gathered together as families and extended families, I would venture to guess that some of you had to do that in two or maybe even three different occasions. No, it wasn’t because you didn’t have enough room to gather everybody in one place at one time. It’s that everybody didn’t want to be there, right? Uncle Frank said, “If Aunt Susie’s going to be there, I’m not coming because I’m certainly not going to sit down to the same table with that woman.” Now if it’s just about consuming food, who cares? No, no, no, it’s much different than that.

Why is it that brides fret about the reception and who’s going to sit at what table? To make sure there’s the right mix there and everyone gets along and they feel comfortable because really, the meal, the most insignificant part of it is the food. Certainly that’s true with the family meal. What’s most important about it is the acceptance of everyone there. Now this is nothing new. This dates back even to ancient of times. In fact, in Jesus’ time, it was even more stressed than it is today. In Jesus’ time, if you were to sit down at a table with someone, you were really making a statement. Not only were you saying that you accepted them, but you were saying that you were equal with them. Jesus got into all kinds of trouble with this because of the people who He ate with. One certain occasion was in Luke 15, “Now the tax collectors,” that can’t be good, “and the sinners,” that’s even worse, “were all gathering around to Him,” that is, Jesus, “but the Pharisees and the teachers of the law muttered, ‘This man welcomes sinners and eats with them.’” How appalling to them, for the spiritual leaders of the day to have this rabbi associate with tax collectors and sinners but then to have the gall to sit down and share a meal with them because Jesus was saying that He accepted them, that He welcomed them at His table. But, of course, how could Jesus ever have reconciliation with these sinners and tax collectors unless He first accepted them where they’re at.

So the family meal begins even before the meal, the appetizer. It’s the appetizer of acceptance. What I mean by that is every family member knows they have a place at the table, they belong to this family and they’re welcome at this table. Even if there are disagreements between family members, even if there is some anger between family members, even if you don’t condone the activity or the behavior of another family member, to know that you still have a place at the table, that you’re still accepted by the family. Mom and Dad may not be happy with their son or daughter. They may have even imposed a few consequences to their actions, imposed a few new rules for their behavior but that doesn’t mean Mom and Dad are going to eat in one room and the kids are going to eat another room. They all come together at the same table because they’re still a family. And that son or daughter needs to know that they will always be a son or daughter and they will always be accepted.

Now kids may get angry with their parents. They may think they’re the most unfair and the most unreasonable people in the world. They probably are but that doesn’t mean you can have your supper in your room or eat in the family room. It means that you come together because they’ll always be your mom. They’ll always be your dad. You see, it’s the appetizer of acceptance that says, “I always have a place to go. I always have a place to be.”

Jesus understood that. Take a look at the meal that we just read about. Now this is the meal before He goes off to the cross. Think of the people who are gathered around the table with Jesus. One’s going to betray Him. One’s going to deny Him. And the other ten are all going to run away and abandon Him. And yet, Jesus welcomes them at His table. He accepts them.

Let’s get a little bit closer to home, shall we? When we celebrate the Lord’s Supper, we are coming to His table. Now do you think that Jesus agrees with or condones all of your behaviors, all of the things that you’ve done? I think not and yet Jesus says, “You are always welcome.” He will always accept you at that table. Otherwise, how could He ever be reconciled to you? How could you ever hear the words that this body is broken and given for you? How could you ever hear the words that say His blood is shed for the forgiveness of your sins? So your relationship with God can be restored? First He welcomes you to the table. He accepts you where you are and then He shows you His love and forgiveness.

That’s what has to happen at the family table, whether it’s with your kids, your grandkids, whether it’s with close friends. You have a place at the table. And even if we’re not getting along and even if I don’t agree or condone what you’re doing, you always have a place to be. The family meal starts with the appetizer of acceptance.
But we can’t just eat appetizers, as much as I would like to. You have to get on to the main dish, right? You have to get on to the meat and potatoes of the deal. Well, the meat and potatoes are, the main course of the family meal is conversation and conversation begins with listening. Conversation doesn’t begin when somebody breaks the silence and starts talking. No, no, no. Conversation begins with listening because if no one’s listening, there is really no need to talk. In fact, I don’t think there’s anything quite as frustrating as trying to talk to someone who’s not listening to you. If you had more than two kids in your household at one time or if you’ve seen two of your grandkids at one time, you’ve probably seen this happen before. Sister will get it into her head that she wants to tick off her brother and so she’s not going to listen to him. Brother gets a little bit louder and so Sister does something like this. She takes her two fingers, puts them in her ears and goes, “La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.” Brother, on the other hand, gets angrier and angrier and steps up the volume more and more and more until he’s screaming at the top of his lungs. You come running up from the basement and say, “What is going on here?” And he goes, “She’s not listening to me.” There’s nothing more frustrating than talking and no one’s listening. Conversation begins with listening.

And listening means that you give your total and complete attention to the person who’s talking. You cannot listen and read the newspaper at the same time. And no matter how much teenagers may argue with me, you cannot listen and text at the same time, even if you’re doing it under the table without looking. It doesn’t work. You can’t listen and watch TV. You can’t listen and play with the car that you brought to the table. All that stuff has to be banned from the family table. Listening means you’re focused in on that other person completely. It means that you’re not only hearing the words but you’re looking for all the nonverbal communication as well. Listening means that you are fully attentive as your 8-year-old describes to you the three new Webkinz that just came out even if you don’t know what a Webkinz is. If it’s important to her, it’s important to you. Listening means you do more than just grunt at your wife as she’s talking to you. It means that you look at her, you nod your head in agreement with what she’s saying, that you comprehend what her day was like. Listening means that you’re going to give your total and complete attention. This is what listening says to the person who’s talking. It says, that moment in time, there is nothing more important in the world than what you have to say. Now think about how powerful that is to a family member. When they’re talking to you and you’re listening, you’re saying to them, “What you have to say at this moment is more important than anything else in the world.” How do you think that makes them feel? Conversation begins with listening.
But, of course, conversation also says, “Someone has to do some talking.” So all those ideas you have rolling around in your head, things that happen at the office that day, that incident on the playground, that big test that is coming up next week or the hard classes you have coming up the next semester or that girl that talked to you at lunch, somehow it has to make it from here and it has to come down to here. We need to talk about more than the weather or the local news story but we share a little bit of ourselves. It’s in this conversation really that families are bonded together, that they’re fortified and strengthened as we share with one another. If someone is going to give you their undivided attention, that what you have to say is more important than anything else in all the world at that moment, I think you don’t want to squander that away. You want to take advantage of that and share with each other. It’s that interaction of sharing what’s going on in your life and truly listening that forms the bond. This is the meat and potatoes of the family meal.

Certainly God understood that. God understands the importance of conversation and, for Him, it begins with listening. You look throughout the scripture and God is always listening to us. He always wants to hear from us. One example, the prophet Jeremiah, this is God talking, “Then you will call upon me and you will come and pray to me and I will listen to you.” The creator of the universe says, “I will listen to you.” “You come and you pray to me and you talk to me and I will listen.” So think about that for a moment, when you’re praying to God, you have His complete and undivided attention and, at that moment in time, God says, “What you have to say is more important than all of creation.” God’s listening. God talks to us through His Word. He communicates with us. Isn’t that where our bond with God is strengthened and fortified as we talk to Him and we listen to what He has to say? And God understands the family meal. God understands the meat and potatoes of conversation. That’s what needs to happen at our family meal, too. The conversation begins with listening.

But as far as I’m concerned, you can’t have a meal without dessert, right? I suppose you could but you should have dessert. The dessert of our family meal is the sweetness of encouragement. There’s nothing sweeter, there’s nothing that tastes better than encouragement. And encouragement means that you have somebody on your side. Encouragement says there’s somebody in your corner. Encouragement is not advice. You don’t encourage somebody when you try to fix their problems for them. You don’t encourage somebody by doling out advice to them. Now parents and men have a real big problem with this because both parents and men like to fix things. Parents like to fix things for their kids. So they want to tell you about something that happened on the playground, they want to tell you about something that happened in science class, they want to tell you about something that happened with their girlfriend, parents, we want to rush in and we want to dole out all kinds of advice because we want to fix it for them. They don’t want us to fix it for them. They want us to encourage them. They want to know there’s somebody on their side. Parents love to fix things for their children. Men? Men like to fix things for anybody who will listen but we specialize in fixing things for our wives.  Yep, go ahead, wives, just ask us. We’ll come up with some snappy answer and fix all of your problems away. But they don’t want us to fix it. They want us to listen. They want to know that we’re on their side, we’re in their corner. That’s what encouragement is all about. Sometimes encouragement is just an empathetic ear. It’s a reassuring smile. It’s saying, “I’m pulling for you. I believe in you. I’m standing behind you.” That’s what encouragement is all about. And if you have somebody encouraging you, you know that you have a family who’s behind you, you know that you can face the bully on the school lot, you can deal with the test next week, you can somehow figure out how you’re going to relate to your boss if you have somebody who’s on your side, somebody who’s standing behind you.

Jesus understands the whole idea of encouragement. Throughout the scriptures, God is always encouraging us, always telling us He’s on our side. If you look at the meal that’s been celebrated here on that Thursday night, we learn from the gospel of John that, in the context of that meal, Jesus tells His disciples that He’s going to be leaving them. He’s talking about the cross. His disciples are all depressed. They’re hanging their heads down low. John 14, He says, “Do not let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God. Trust in me.” He says, “I’m your side. I got your back. I’m here for you.”

How about the last chapter in Matthew? Just before He leaves and goes up to heaven, what does He say to His disciples? He says, “I’ll be with you until the end of time. I’m always here. I believe in you. I’m going to stand behind you. I’m going to be that strength that you need.” St. Paul understood this. St. Paul understood it perfectly. That’s why when he wrote to the Church at Philippi, he said this, “I can do everything through Him who gives me strength.” St. Paul says, “I don’t care what the challenge is. I don’t care what the situation is, if I have Jesus in my corner, I can do everything through Him who gives me power.” That is the strength of encouragement. That’s the sweetness of encouragement. That’s the dessert of the family meal, to know that you have somebody on your side, somebody standing beside you, someone who’s pulling for you who believes in you. That’s sweet. That’s the dessert of the family meal.

And there’s no doubt that the family meal is important, whether it’s just the two of you or whether it’s you and the five kids that gather around the table. That shared time when there are no newspapers, there’s no texting, there are no toys, we are just gathering together casually at home or in a restaurant, when those moments strike and, all of a sudden, every family member knows that they’re accepted, no matter what they do, they’ll always belong to this family. When conversation starts and they understand that when they’re talking, at that moment, what they have to say is the most important thing in the whole world, when they are facing some challenge, they have a group of people who are standing behind them and believe in them, they’re encouraging them, yeah, that is a powerful force in any family.

We see it in the family of believers because God does that for us. He accepts us, He listens to us, He encourages us. And by His grace, those three courses can be a part of our family meals as well. Amen.

Copyright 2009 Gloria Dei Lutheran Church