Developing Lasting Friendships

Sunday, February 8, 2004

Rev. Ronald Burcham

Typed from audio transcript

Grace, mercy, and peace to you from God our Father and our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Amen.

John and Bob were the best of friends. In fact, it seemed from the moment the two of them met they just sort of hit it off. And their friendship grew and grew closer and closer to the point where the two of them really were kind of inseparable. If you saw John, you knew that pretty much right behind him was going to be Bob and if you saw Bob, you knew that it wouldn't be that much longer and you'd see John. It just got to the point where they did everything together. Some people even got a little bit uncomfortable with the fact that the two of them were just inseparable. They had that close of a friendship.

When you think about that close of a tie to another person, that kind of connection, then maybe you understand a little bit of the grief of Bob when John passed away. Bob was there throughout the whole illness that John went through. He stood by his bedside refusing to leave day and night. He was going to be there with his friend. He was going to stand by his side. He was there when John took his last breath and finally died.

And then on a very cold, wet, spring morning in 1858, Bob was there in the cemetery unashamedly crying for his friend. All of the family, all of the mourners had left the graveside, had gone back to their homes, but Bob stayed. He wouldn't move. In the afternoon, people walked by and saw that Bob was still there, his head hung low next to his friend's graveside.

Early evening came, some friends went out and they persuaded Bob to come home with them and to get something to eat and to rest and spend the night at their place. Reluctantly, Bob agreed. He went there. But when they got up the next morning to check on him, they found out that he hadn't slept in his bed and, sure enough, he had wandered back out to the cemetery and there he stood motionless, next to the graveside of his friend, John.

Others came along and tried to help him in his grief, which was obviously overwhelming to him. He just could not make the separation. Some succeeded in persuading him to come away with them for awhile, but always, always he found his way back to the cemetery, always back standing silently, almost in a vigil, over the graveside of his friend.

It got to be known in the whole community. Children and family would bring by food for him so he'd have something of sustenance. Even in inclement weather, he would stay there still in the cemetery silently watching over his friend, refusing to go any place else. People would put blankets or coats around him to try to protect him from the weather. In an unprecedented 14 years, Bob stood by his friend's, John, graveside not moving, a silent vigil for all time. And then one cold January morning, they found Bob still, lifeless. They buried him close to his friend, John, because they felt he should be close to the man in death, the one he wouldn't abandon in life.

They erected a fountain in the town of Edinburgh in memory of Bob; and, if not for Bob, his friend, John Gray, would all but be forgotten. But he's not forgotten even to this day because of his friend, Bob, a rough-coated terrier who loved him.

Wouldn't you like to have a friend like that? A friend that wouldn't abandon you no matter what, a friend that had such a deep love for you that they would remain by your side, that they would be that dedicated, that they would be that true to you? All of us actually need a friend like that. All of us need close friends. Now not all of us need a lot of friends. Not all of us even need what we might call good friends, but every single person needs a close friend, someone they can connect with.

Psychologists tell us that every human being has some basic needs. Two of those basic needs are to be loved and to love. In a close friend, you have two of those needs met. Scripture even recognizes the fact of how important friendships are. Ecclesiastics 4 says, "Two are better than one because they get a good return for their labor. If one falls down, his friend can help him up." Or even indirectly scripture talks about friendship. In the Old Testament, the friendship between David and Jonathan, if you've ever read about that in 1 Samuel, the tight bond that these two men had for each other for their entire lives, it's a testimony to friendship. Or even in the New Testament, Jesus Himself. Jesus certainly was surrounded by his twelve disciples, but of those twelve, He had close friends, Peter, James, and John. Those were the ones closest to Him. Jesus in His humanity, in His humanness, needed close friends; and you and I in our humanness, in our humanity, the way God made us, we need close friends, someone we connect with on more than just surface level but deeper than that. We each need at least one close friend.

So this morning, we're going to examine what a close friendship is all about. What are the characteristics of a close friend? Because if we're going to develop those friendships or if we're going to be that kind of friend, then we need to know those characteristics. And I'm sure there are many characteristics of friends, but here are the top five for me. Five characteristics of a close friendship. And the first one is a close friend is an encourager. It's someone who encourages us. 1 Thessalonians talks about that. It says, "Brothers, encourage one another. Build each other up." Scripture recognizes that we as human beings, need encouragement along the way. We need to be built up every now and then. In fact, the most optimistic person you know, the most happy-go-lucky guy that you ever encounter, he always sees the glasses half full and never half empty, even that person at times needs encouragement, they need to be built up. Understand, encouragement is not just cheering somebody up. You can cheer somebody up by telling a joke or making a funny face or doing something with them to sort of break the tension and get a smile across their face. That's important, but encouragement is deeper than that. When you encourage somebody, you affirm them as a person. You affirm their worth to you. You say that they're important and they're important to you, and they have an important contribution to give. That's what it means to encourage somebody and build them up.

I have to tell you I feel really blessed to be surrounded by all of you, because you always encourage me. And you always seem to know when, whether it's an e-mail I get at the office or maybe it's a note that's slipped underneath my door or a card that comes in the mail. There's always something there to sort of build me up. Now what you may not know is that I keep those e-mails and I keep those cards, sometimes for months at a time. And just about the time I start feeling like everything is going wrong and this is all just useless, I'll pick one up and I'll read it. And I'll say, well, you know, at least for one person, maybe I made a difference. Maybe I count.

Often times, I think we discount encouraging someone else, that we don't understand how important that is and how vital that is for us as human beings. Close friends instinctively know when to encourage another person. They instinctively know when to build somebody up. Now, no offense men, but I really think women are better at this than we are. I just do. My wife instinctively knows when one of her friends needs a little note, needs a phone call, needs an e-mail; and she just sort of shoots it off to them. For me, maybe you're like that, it just breezes right past me. I just miss it. We have to work on that, men. We really do, because it's important. Close friendships need that kind of encouragement, that kind of encouragement between two people to build them up because that's what close friends do, they encourage.

Close friends are truth tellers and not telling the truth just when it's convenient but telling the truth even when it's kind of tough to tell the truth. Scripture says that we are to speak the truth in love, and that's what close friends do. They speak the truth in love. And what a close friend will do is they'll speak the truth, that is, they'll tell you what you need to hear, not necessarily what you want to hear. Every one of us has blind spots in our lives, things we just don't see. Maybe we say something, and it doesn't even faze us. We don't even realize how it came across. Maybe we do something, and we don't realize maybe that caused offense. Every one of us has blind spots to our own lives, even when we get introspective. A close friend is willing to be truthful to you and tell you the things you need to hear, even if you don't want to hear them. Proverbs says, "The wounds from a friend can be trusted." In other words, the words that somebody speaks to us telling the truth, they may wound us. It may hurt us to think that we did that or to be convicted in that way, but if they come from a friend, you know they can be trusted. You know you have a close friend when they're willing to say things that you don't want to hear but need to hear because then you know that they care so much about you and that they trust your friendship so much, they'll say the unpopular things. That's how much they care. And it also tells you that if they're willing to say that to you, then you can trust them in everything they say to you because they're going to be truthful with the easy stuff if they're going to be truthful with the hard stuff. Close friends are truth tellers.

And close friends listen. Listening is not something we do naturally. There are a lot of people talking out there, and there are a lot of people hearing the noise, but there are very, very few people that are actually listening. You know the drill. "Hi, how are you?" What do you say? "Fine." You may be rotten. It may be the worst day of your life, but nobody hears that. It's not that nobody cares, but we just don't listen to one another.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt, when he was president, just absolutely hated small talk, he said. And he just hated that whole exchange of, you know, hi, how are you, fine, and all of that. He didn't like the reception lines because that's all it was, that small talk. So he said one day, when he was in one of those diplomatic reception lines, he had an idea. Every time somebody came up and said, "Hi, how you doing," he would answer, "Fine. Shot my grandmother this morning." Twenty people walked by him and just nodded their head in agreement and went on to the next person. He said it wasn't until the twentieth person who was the Japanese diplomat who came up, taken aback by what the president just said, looked at him and said, "I'm sure she deserved it, Sir," and moved on.

We can hear, but we don't often listen. A close friend listens. A close friend knows when to be quiet, not to offer any sage advice, not to tell you about a similar experience they had, or how it relates over here. A close friend knows how to be quiet and really listen. Listen to what you're saying. In fact, a close friend even listens when you don't say a word and they understand.

Close friends are listeners, and close friends are forgiving. Close friends know that forgiveness has to be part of the relationship. It has to be part of the equation. Because unfortunately, it is true, we hurt the people we are the closest to and we will hurt our friends. And we'll even hurt more those close friends to us, sometimes intentionally, often times unintentionally by something we do, by something we say, but close friends understand that we will hurt each other, but close friends also understand forgiveness. Scripture tells us in Colossians that we are to bear with each other's burdens, that we are to forgive each other, just as God has forgiven us. Close friends understand that we need to have that kind of forgiveness in our friendship, in our relationship. That kind of forgiveness means we can be open and honest with one another so if I've been hurt, I can come to you and say, "What you said to me really hurt me and it bothered me." Or "What you did last week really upset me." Close friends can do that, and then close friends swallow their pride and say, "I'm sorry, please forgive me." And then close friends forgive as God has forgiven you. And that means the same way in which God forgives you, in which God says, "I choose not to remember your sins anymore," that's the kind of forgiveness we offer to our friends, a kind of forgiveness that says I will remember this no more. So even if we get into an argument, we get into a disagreement, it's not going to be brought up again because it's forgotten. It's erased from my memory. Close friends have forgiveness.

Close friends are precious. I pray that you have some close friends or at least one close friend. Hopefully, it's somebody here with you this morning. But if you don't already know someone, let me introduce you to a close friend to each and every one of you. Jesus says, "Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends. You are now my friends." The closest friend that you and I can have is a friend who reigns in heaven. The closest friend we can have is actually the Son of God and yet not only does He want to be our Savior but He says He wants to be our friend.

Think about Jesus as a friend. Is there anyone else that offers so much encouragement as Jesus does for our lives? Jesus says just a few verses later, "I chose you. You didn't choose me, but I chose you." When you're feeling rotten, when you feel you have no self worth, can you remember the words of Jesus, your friend, saying that you are so important, you are so valuable to me that I chose you. You didn't choose me, but I chose you. Jesus says, "I care about you so much. I love you so much. I chose you. I wanted you to be my friend." Now that's encouraging. Jesus says, "You can talk to me any time you want. I'm always listening. Not just hearing, but I'm listening. I'm listening to everything you have to say." In fact, scripture tells us that those times when we don't even know what to say, that we just sort of sigh, scripture says that the spirit intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express so even then Jesus hears and He listens and He understands.

Jesus will always tell you the truth. It may not be popular with you sometimes. You read through His word. You can't help but be convicted, be convicted of the things you haven't done, be convicted of the things you have done; but Jesus will speak the truth to you. He'll lay it on the line, but He does it in love. He does it because He wants to call you back. He does it because He wants to remove the guilt from your conscience. He wants to take that away because Jesus knows how to forgive. No greater love has anyone than this that he lay down his life for his friends. Jesus showed Himself to be your close friend because He laid down His life for you. Scripture tells us that Jesus, who was without sin, took on sin, that is, He took on our sin. And the payment that was due and the punishment for our sin, that's what that cross is all about. Because He went to that cross so He would pay the debt that you and I could not pay, so He could be our friend and He could tell us that we're forgiven. And our conscience can be clean and the guilt is removed because God has chosen not to remember our sins anymore.

Jesus wants to be your closest friend. If you want the greatest example of God's love, look no further than Jesus. If you want the greatest example of what it is to be a close friend, look no further than Jesus. If you want a model for your close friendship with one another, look no further than Jesus.

I pray this morning that you're surrounded by friends, in fact, if a friend invited you to worship this morning, would you pause for a moment and think about how much they care about you, that they cared enough to invite you here to God's house so that maybe you could be introduced to a mutual friend called Jesus? I also pray that before you leave this morning that you either renew or have a new friendship, a new friendship with a man named Jesus who happens to also be the Savior because He is the friend that never leaves. He's that friend we think about that would never abandon us, who would remain by our side for all time. In fact, He puts Bob to shame. Because Jesus says, "I'll be with you to the very end of time." Amen.

Copyright 2004 Gloria Dei Lutheran Church